


Of Acorns and Barley

by orphan_account



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Dwarf Courting, Dwarf Culture & Customs, Hobbit Courting, Hobbit Culture & Customs, M/M, oblivious!Thorin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-18
Updated: 2016-06-18
Packaged: 2018-07-15 18:29:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7233835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A hopeless Bilbo courts Thorin...As predicted, Thorin has no clue what's going on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Acorns and Barley

He knew it was traditional. He knew it was better recognizable and of course, showed greater effort but considering he couldn't even lift the necessary tools (and he would likely be too sweaty to even see what he was carving, so he'd probably set himself on fire)...he used an acorn and avoided a forge altogether. Bifur was quite generous with his toymaking tools and even hovered a bit, curious as to what their resident hobbit was doing and offering advice in his now clear Westron. It was a tricky thing and he'd poked his fingers, nearly blinded himself once or twice but in a week it was done. Bofur helped him cast it, saying it was a lovely way to explore a craft; Bilbo tried not to feel disappointed. It was his first gift after all and one point emphasized, Ori had explained, was that the courtship should be discreet so as the intended didn't feel pressured. So Thorin, while he decided whether Bilbo was acceptable, if his gifts were acceptable, would have to be the one to announce their courtship.  
  
Thorin thanked him for the gold acorn with a nod. Shamed, Bilbo confirmed with Ori that acceptance would have been Thorin putting on the charm but instead it had gone into an inner pocket. Crestfallen, the shireling vowed to work harder on the second gift.  
  
\---  
  
If there was one fruit that the king would eat, it was apples. As winter had departed some time ago, the supply of red, juicy apples was consistent and with a recent delivery to Dale, an idea came to Bilbo. He knew it would be so much easier if he could discuss it with the company's thief, as well as Thorin first but a display of strength couldn't be planned nor could courting process, again, be discussed openly. So Bilbo had to do this correctly, had to time it just right...and make sure he didn't split Nori's head in two. It's just like conkers, he thinks in a panic, just like playing conkers but with a sharp, potentially fatal weapon.  
  
" Your majesty, " Bilbo called waveringly from beside Fili, getting some of the nearby company's attention aswell as they devoured their dinner, " W-would you care for an apple?"  
  
Thorin opened his mouth to reply and quick as lightning, Bilbo pulled the throwing knife out of his coat with more confidence than he felt. An apple rose high above them, spinning brilliantly before a flash of metal sent it back down. It landed with a thud on Thorin's plate. The china understandably broke into three pieces, causing Kili and Fili who sat on either side of their uncle to jump back. After a moment, the apple slide apart into two even pieces and Bilbo finally drew his eyes away to look at Nori who had been right in the dagger's path. Though the red head looked quite peeved (as well as shocked), he was in one piece. The weapon had missed him by a good two inches and still vibrated where it stuck in the far wall.  
  
Letting out a sigh of relief as Bofur reached over to nudge him proudly, Bilbo nodded sheepishly at the howls and laughter of the rest of the company. But Thorin had not touched the sliced apple, instead staring at it as if there was a possibility it was an explosive or worse, contaminated by elf germs. It was like a punch to the gut and if Bilbo thought it couldn't get any worse, just when Thorin seemed to be considering at least touching the fruit...each half was taken by the mischievous princes.  
  
"Thanks, Bilbo!" Kili chirped as he bit into the fruit.  
  
Fili took an even bigger bite, " Have you been practicing that for some time? Do it again with this biscuit!"  
  
"No, no! Try it with the leg of lamb!"  
  
Bilbo just pinched the bridge of his nose with a put upon sigh, feeling like his heart was splitting much like that apple. Strike two, he thought and suddenly dinner didn't look so appetizing. He slid his food over to Bombur and stood up, mumbling an excuse about working on some sustainability reports.

\---

"If you're here to laugh, " Bilbo snapped, turning to glare at where Gandalf had perched himself on a stone bench, " I would much prefer you find someone else to pester."  
  
"Why Bilbo, I simply think...you underestimated the stone headedness of dwarrow."  
  
"I cooked him an entire meal. Asked him to dine with only me. " Bilbo deadpanned as he thought of the delicate tablecloth, the unscented candles, the crystal flowers and all the other intricacies that he knew not even a dwarf could deny as romantic, " When I revealed it was not in fact Bombur trying out new things, he said he admired me for trying different crafts."  
  
Gandalf placed a hand over his mouth; his shoulders shook but he suppressed what would have been a full blown laugh. Still, Bilbo hated him, and he hated dwarves, and he hated himself for even thinking he could woo a king. Sighing, he turned back to his potato plants and thought maybe it wouldn't be so bad; he had things to keep him busy, distractions that would keep him from feeling too bad about the king's rejection. Had he truly expected anything else, he thought and then he stood, realizing that Gandalf had fallen completely silent and was looking at him with pity.  
  
"My boy, " the wizard began, "Do not give up. Do you not have more ideas?"  
  
"What's the point? He won't accept them. And he's been avoiding me since...ahem, since I asked about his hair, " Bilbo flushed at that because that had certainly been the worse time of all. Thorin had invited him to watch as he sparred with Dwalin, then his nephews, and from his maneuvering, the king's braids had come loose. It was something Bilbo had quickly noticed and he hadn't really been planning to say something until the King had asked him to follow him to his chambers. The hobbit had assumed it was to discuss business, perhaps the future of importing dry goods from the Shire, but they mostly chatted about trivial things as they approached the heavy door of Thorin's room. He should have just let the dwarf head inside; he should have given up on this courting business long before but perhaps high on happiness...  
  
"Thorin, " Bilbo surprised himself by speaking, " Your braids have come loose! And with that cut on your hand, well, I would be happy to help you fix them-"  
  
Thorin looked cornered, " I would, well...I can manage, Master Burglar. G-good evening to you!"  
  
The door shut fast and presently, Bilbo didn't think he had ever felt so low. Lifting a watering can, he knew he had to give up on the King and while the pull of his heart would not be an easy thing to overcome, he couldn't handle anymore rejection. Chuckling bitterly as he went to refill, he realized that he had traveled halfway around the world, fallen in love, and yet he would live out the rest of his days a lonely, odd bachelor tending to a Ereborian garden; though in the dwarven world he supposed he was married to his craft of gardening.  
  
"Love is always worth pursuing, " Gandalf startled him with his silent approach and his hand on Bilbo's shoulder, " While I still say he's a pigheaded fool, Thorin is worthwhile if that is where your happiness lies. Try once more, Master Hobbit. You may be surprised."  
  
Bilbo shook his head. What other gift or display was there? Certainly hobbit courting was far simpler for he was at his wit's end with these dwarf practices; the only thing he hadn't tried was prowess of the more, well, intimate nature but he had no idea how to achieve that. What, was he to hide in Thorin's chambers in the nude and spread himself beckoningly on the bed? He turned a dark red at that because not only was he far too respectable for such but he could just see the disgust on Thorin's face. No, there was nothing, except...hold that thought.  
  
Dori had recently designed for him a formal wardrobe since his hobbitish fashion sense was often considered scandalous. He had not had the opportunity (incentive) to wear it since he spent much of his time in the dirt and he also preferred comfort wear. But the cogs in his mind had begun to turn; some time ago Thorin had cheekily commented that he would look much better in braids and boots. He'd been outraged at the time but if this was to be his last display in the hopes of gaining Thorin's attention...so be it.

\---

"Good morning, " he greeted with a nod and tilt of his head.  
  
Balin just stared, Dwalin doing a double take before he suddenly gripped his brother's arm for support. Bilbo didn't outwardly react, forcing down the desire to pick at his deep blue tunic. It was quite fitted but warm; it truly wasn't so uncomfortable and he even appreciated Gandalf's braiding (he had promised no funny business as he meticulously created a plait showing he was a dwarf-friend, a warrior, and that his craft lied in growing things) as it kept his unruly curls from his eyes.  
  
He heard sputtering from behind him, likely Fili and Kili but he didn't turn lest he lose his confidence. His customized boots (he hated them, oh how he hated them) made soft tup-tup-tup sounds as he walked, having practiced for many hours to avoid falling on his face. His gait was probably still odd but he refused to display this insecurity as he took a seat beside Thorin who didn't appear to notice him. Folding his hands on the tabletop and eyeing the silver and green patterns on the sleeves, he felt a slight pinch where his thick belt tug into his mithril protected gut; this was quickly relieved by a bit of shifting. His ears (adorned with silver clasps that Gandalf assured him only meant he was of age) perked at the whispering council, hands going to grip the knees of his deep grey trousers instead.  
  
"Wha's da hobbit up tah?" grumbled Councilman Octon, son of Hocton.  
  
"I've distributed a-a report, " Bilbo explained. Suddenly, Thorin gasped from his left but the hobbit refused to look, couldn't really if he was to get through this meeting, " It shows that we are ahead of yield projections; however, contact with the Shire is still recommended d-due to Ereborean soil being unsupportive of, um, some other staple crops."  
  
"Master Hobbit, " said Councilwoman Gonli, daughter of Bordi as she stroked her beard, " We appreciated that you came quite prepared for today's meetings but we meant to inquire about your sudden appearance change. It is quite-"  
  
"Recess!" The council all turned to Thorin in alarm; Balin tried to whisper something to him but the king would not hear it, " I call an immediate recess, until I bloody say otherwise!"  
  
"Thorin!" Bilbo began but the dark haired dwarf was soon enough on his feet and then he was gripping the former burglar by the arm, dragging him into the hall outside the meeting chambers. When the heavy doors shut, and the sound of the confused council disappeared, Bilbo couldn't help but squawk as he was released. He turned to Thorin in shock, once more worrying for his mental state as he had never seen the king so frazzled, " What, by Yavanna's name, are you doing?!"  
  
"Me? What are you doing, dressing up like you, like- Who told you to do these things!?"  
  
"What things?" Bilbo asked, flinching back when Thorin threw up his hands in frustration, " Dori made these for me, s-so I would no longer offend the council with my-"  
  
"Dori-" Thorin snarled, " And he told you to forge the charm as well? The apple no doubt, and the cooked meal; why, that scoundrel telling you to ask for my braids! But the braid at your temple is too far!"  
  
Bilbo didn't know what to make of this; was Thorin so disgusted by courtship with a hobbit that he would react like this? Or perhaps he had done something wrong; Gandalf promised him that the plait referred to his craft! He sputtered out, " Perhaps it is my misunderstanding. O-Ori translated s-some books from Khuzdul for me that said that if I gifted you these things-"  
  
"So it is the brothers Ri altogether, or perhaps the whole company!" Thorin bellowed and then his gaze softened when he took in Bilbo's distress, " They have tricked you, my friend. They have done something cruel to the both of us, perhaps in good faith but cruel nonetheless. They have convinced you to take steps as if to court me-"  
  
"Tricked me? Thorin, I asked Ori specifically how to court you!"  
  
Thorin looked stunned and as Bilbo fumed, hands shaking in his sleeves and his boots feeling suddenly too tight, a whisper came, " You want to court me?"

"Yes, " Bilbo sobbed and oh how he wished he had spared himself this moment and given up sooner, perhaps refusing the offer to stay in Erebor even, "I sought advice be-because hobbit courting would not do. And I have accepted that you will not wear the acorn charm. It is understandable that my conkers trick was perhaps a pathetic display of strength. Bombur is likely to cook better to your dwarven tastes as well and I know that my lack of understanding of braids is just another reason for me to not be trusted with the privilege of helping you with yours. And I can assure you that in regard to my attire, I meant no offense in the least. It was simply the hodge-podge effort of a foolish hobbit -"  
  
"He placed a pending courtship braid into your hair, " Thorin said, subdued as he touched the plait that Gandalf had said marked him as a grower of greenery, " He knew I was blind."  
  
Bilbo wiped his eyes bitterly, " What a mess-"  
  
"And it is I who has caused this mess. If I had not greedily accepted your affections, though misunderstandings I believed them to be... I would have said this long ago."  
  
Bilbo was suddenly pulled into a tight embrace, somehow one even more apologetic then the one on the carrock. The king tucked his face into the crook of Bilbo's neck and breathed in, his hands digging into the thick material of the hobbit's tunic and feeling the mithril beneath. Much like before, Bilbo could not bring himself to immediately return the embrace and this time, Thorin pulled away before he could.  
  
"I accept your proposal, my beloved burglar, " Thorin said with twinkling blue eyes; from his inner coat pocket emerged the acorn charm which he hung from his beard. He then grabbed a thick lock of his greying hair, his free hand going to Bilbo's temple once more.  
  
"We must change this, to signal to all that we are One."  
  
Bilbo sputtered that they couldn't force the council to remain at recess but his hands were still guided to Thorin hair; the king smiled deviously, " They will wait. "  
  
\---  
  
Forty seven minutes later, with many of the council threatening to leave while the others happily discussed more menial things, Thorin and Bilbo returned. The council went deadly quiet except for a small yelp from Dwalin, who quickly silenced himself.  
  
" Meeting resumed, " Thorin said, amusement making his voice a deep rumble, " If you will continue briefing us, my love?"  
  
Bilbo blushed and then straightened his slightly ruffled tunic, " Oh, yes, thank you. As I was saying. The Shire would be able to supply us with barley initially, if we can come to an agreement with the Thrain-"  
  
"Did you just get engaged? In the bloody hallway?"  
  
Thorin nudged Dwalin sharply, " We're talking about barley."  
  
"I wanna talk about our new uncle, " Kili interrupted, " because I think you just paused a council meeting to get engaged in the hall. Besides, nobody likes barley."  
  
"I like barley, " Bilbo snapped, cheeks burning, " And I also like staying on topic-"  
  
"That's a lovely braid, laddie, " Balin mumbled and of course this sent the council into hysterics, though Fili could still be heard as he leaned toward them, " Uncle, did you know you have an acorn hanging from your chin?"  
  
Bilbo gave up with a groan; the council, the princes included, would never see reason. Watching as the meeting descended into chaos, he turned when he felt an arm coil around his shoulders. Thorin smiled at him, eyeing the council with exasperation as well as amusement. But Gandalf had been right; Bilbo was surprised by the outcome of his last attempt and he certainly didn't regret that he did not give up. And while he wished he could have prevented so much yelling and shock following his engagement...well, he thought, you win some, you lose some.  
  
END


End file.
